JUNE 14 - COLUMNIST Dennis Hopper, "Conflicted Relationships"

Monday, 14 June 2010 19:30

Conflicted Relationships

By Dennis Hopper

Columnist

June 14, 2010 - In 1964, Eric Berne published a book entitled “Games People Play” and initiated the technology known as “transactional analysis.” Three years later, Thomas Harris published “I’m OK—You’re OK.” These were popular best-sellers, describing in simple terms an approach in psychology that everyday people could understand and use. Leaders who recognize applications of this model in their organizations can prevent and resolve problems.

The concept is that within each of us resides three “ego states,” any one of which might interact in a given situation with any of the three “ego states” in another person.

Common terms describe the three states, but the terms have very specific meanings. To remind users that these terms are “ego states,” Eric Berne used the capitalized first letter of the words.

The Child state represents our emotional, self-centered, and irresponsible selves. When we behave in our Child state, we can be loving, hateful, playful, sad, fearful, ashamed, impulsive, etc. Not only are we self-focused, we can change our emotions instantly!

The Parent state can be nurturing and supportive or critical and controlling, and is judgmental about what is good/bad, right/wrong, appropriate or not. The Parent prefers to be in control and tends to resolve situations by using its pre-recorded impressions of how people “should behave.”

The Adult state is the rational, analytical, fact-processing predictor of outcomes, evaluating each person’s behavior in the context of his or her desired goals. The Adult operates on data, not emotions, making decisions and solving problems based on cause-and-effect logic.

A typical and very effective interaction in the workplace is Adult-to-Adult, where two problem-solving, problem-preventing, rational, analytical humans collaborate on some issue. This is even a very healthy state for work between bosses and their direct reports, though many leaders still have an outmoded belief that the boss’ power in the relationship should be prominent, as in the Parent-to-Child relationship.

Some individuals, however, seem unable to imagine or even consider an Adult-to-Adult working relationship. They seem to recognize only two states within each individual—the Parent and the Child. For them, someone has to be in authority (the Parent), and others (the Children) defer to that authority.

We all naturally know how to be a Child; after all, we came into the world that way! And we all have experienced individuals in our lives who served in some authoritarian (Parent) role.

When individuals with this dual outlook function in the Parent role, they feel responsible for generating ideas, making decisions, and overseeing the progress of work. When they are functioning in the Child role, however, they miss commitments and seem to “check out” mentally, leaving the “thinking” part of the work to the Parent in the authority role.

The only other relationship alternatives imaginable by these individuals are a Parent-Parent power struggle or a Child-Child playtime.

Individuals who function with this limited, dual-role mindset usually have conflicted relationships. They have difficulty working without an overtone of “who’s in control here?” Someone, usually the designated boss, is “one up” in the relationship, and the others are “one down.”

At times these individuals seem to want control (“one up”). Sometimes they prefer to avoid the responsibility and commitment of being the one in authority (“one down”). Sometimes they seem to want both at the same time!

These individuals have difficulty working well in collaborative environments, which require “eye level” relationships. Since not everyone on the team can be in control, these individuals behave like children in a classroom, waiting for the direction of the teacher. They display more absenteeism, deference to the person in charge, and little initiative to suggest improved procedures. Yet when the designated authority figure gives clear direction, there is often disguised or even overt resistance.

Work with these conflicted individuals can be frustrating for individuals who have an underlying paradigm of the Adult-to-Adult collaborative relationship being “normal” and healthy in the workplace. Further, some of these individuals struggle internally. Although they may understand what they are expected to do, they rebel against actually doing those things.

Join me in my next article as we continue to explore the struggles of individuals who typically exhibit conflicted relationships.

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Dennis Hooper is a leadership coach, helping organizations build future leaders. Contact him at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Call him at (478)-988-0237. His website is www.buildingfutureleaders.com.